This is going to make me really uncomfortable because I am not an honest person, but here goes me writing creatively and with an awkwardly open heart, which means that it is sappy. Far too sappy. I'd like to slap myself for even thinking it.
Today hurts like shit hitting the fan and being whipped onto my face. Today, I'm being whipped around the atmosphere. Today, I'm leaving. This isn't unusual - I've left everywhere I've ever been. I've had 3 homes and far too many homes away from home. Several schools, several groups of friends. Multiple places to belong where I never really let myself belong. I didn't become attached then, but I've become attached now. I hate saying that aloud; the taste is so bitter. I hate it and it makes me hate myself but I take it out on the people who are making me be attached to them because they are so wonderful.
Oh god, he is so wonderful. I'm being so horrible to him. Everytime he tells me an interest of his - astronomy or power rangers or something else - I scoff. I offend him - and I do it on purpose because I can't tell him that all of those things make me smile; that I can't even begin to count the number of times I've watched the Power Rangers movie or the morning that I woke up early to watch the cartoon - and I can't tell him that the thing that I miss most about my hometown is the night sky. I can't tell him that all of these things that I scoff at are all of the things that make him so wonderful.
I can't tell him that these things are making me fall in love with him - so I scoff at him.
Like now, I scoff at him while we're at the airport. I laugh at him because his hair is askew and his glasses are crooked and he's poking fun at our friend Josh who is also here and who is also wonderful. Tanya and Kelly are here too and they're wonderful as well but he... he takes the cake and eats it and gains so much weight and I'd still love him.
All I can think about now, as I'm saying these goodbyes is how pathetic I am. I shouldn't be talking about love when I'm acting out leaving. This isn't fair for me. This might break me.
But it wont break him this way. I can turn around right now and only one heart will be breaking. I can turn away, I'm turning away with my feelings in my throat with my confession on the tip of my tongue rising to the roof of my mouth and getting caught by my teeth. They're a prison - and so is his arm. He's caught me.
I'm turning around to face him. He's a foot taller than me and I can't even imagine how strange I look with my deep set eyes in front of him from that angle - it must look demonic. Only a demon without a heart could do what I'm doing - I must be heartless..
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
My heart? With you... no I'm leaving it there.
"I don't think so. Why? Do you know something I don't?"
"I know lots that you don't"
"Haha"
"I know that you want to leave something with me"
I want to leave everything with you.
"Oh really?" God, I'm such a smart ass. "And what would that be?"
"I think you know"
The wit games that we play so often are even here, stopping me in this final moment.
And then he puts his lips on my forehand.
The corners of my lips turn up against my better judgement.
"A thimble."
Oh, witty literary me.
"A thimble?" he asks, pulling my chin up to meet his eyes, which I search until they finally get my meaning.
"A thimble." and his lips match mine in expression.
With his right hand under my chin, I intertwine the fingers of my right hand with his left and sneak my left hand around behind his neck so I can scratch the hair I've been resisting touching for the past lifetime.
"Are you sure?" I ask him, centimeters away.
"Always" God, he's such a smartass.
Such a loveable, smartass pair we make with such kissable lips that utter such assinine comments.
Man, I love those lips.
